The Visitor

This is another version of The Secret, which I did some months ago.  It's approx. 24 x 30, oil on board.  I just finished this piece yesterday.

ANNE & HER DOG

oil and gilding on panel
16 x 24 inches

Malaise of the artist, and most of us are uneasy --- with the exception perhaps of politicians

I will share this with you, ----often I have a malaise which doesn't come from any one thing.

Would I feel any less malaise if I won the lottery, or became famous as an artist, or was instantly younger and absolutely perfect in every way? Probably not. I suppose blonde beauties have just as much malaise as aging bohemians.

I mentioned this to Chris as we often drive downtown and when I look at people's faces I see they are not happy in general. They want more, they have the malaise. Chris said, "Everyone feels a malaise about life, because life doesn't make any sense."

"Life doesn't make any sense." Rather a simple way to put the fact that things all over the planet are a mess in so many respects. The US in shambles financially and morally.   And then on a personal level we all make these irrevocable decisions as to the direction of our lives, then suddenly switch courses or regret things later.

And yet we go on. Some time ago I got a rejection from something I feel was unfair and due to "politics as usual"  in a closed group  I was saddened over it, but then realized that I must simply be true to myself and go on. As an artist, it is an important decision just to go on and be true to your inner voice. Sometimes that poor little voice gets lost in all the grandiose schemes of the ego, wanting so much, understanding so little of the real nature of things.

Another really important question to ask yourself as an artist is the motivation for what you are doing.  It is a very simple question:  "What is your motivation?"  but sometimes the answer is not so simple.  Is it to make money, gain fame, or satisfy something else within yourself?  I will perhaps write another post on this in the near future as it's a question I believe I'd like to explore in words.  But for now the comment about Glenn Gould must suffice:
Glenn Gould said something to the effect that the artist should be able to operate in secret and not be dependent on the demands of the marketplace, and furthermore if the artist is able to do this, he/she will abandon a false sense of responsibility toward a public. He mentions this and also says that ideally the artist should be able to work unaware of what other people are doing!

INCIDENT - OIL ON BOARD

INCIDENT -- oil on board 12 x 16"

old houses in Astoria, Oregon

Sept. 09

approx. 18 x 18", oil on board

Girl in White dress.

I have thought about various titles for this painting but don't want to draw attention to any one thing. It is inspired by a faded antique picture of a girl I found and inscribed on the back, "from your chum".

RECENT WORK

I have been doing a lot of work in the studio but spending no time on this blog.

This one is called Morning.

I have a lot of thoughts about this, but they are my own thoughts. I will leave the image to you to put your own imagination into it.

MOTHER & DAUGHTER oil on board 16 x 24"

I just finished this -- it is an oil with gilding on the sky.

How to overcome feelings of artistic ennui

In the past few months I have submitted a few of my things for exhibit. This was chosen as one of 31 out of over 500 entries in the Americas 2009 exhibit in Minot, ND. Out of 6 exhibits I've entered, I've been accepted in 3. I just got the notice today.

The notification came at a time when I was feeling really low about my work. I have been studying the work of Edward Hopper (you can see there is a small influence in the above piece with the windows) and seeing the way he did things makes me feel totally inadequate. One thing I like about Hopper, though, is that he resented being overlooked and not accepted in things. I was most resentful that I did not have a piece accepted in a large mosaics show, particularly after I saw what had been accepted in the place of my pieces. Then after having a little reception, even though I got a lot of good feedback from the people who came, I was still depressed.

As an artist you have probably noticed that there are art galleries and art for sale everywhere. I am just not sure how to deal with this. I was also reading about Marc Chagall's years in Paris and Berlin, and how he was taken advantage of by dealers, and also when he returned to where he had stored some early work not a thing was left and he never got paid.

If you are an artist and happen to read this blog I would be most appreciative of any comments you have about the process of selling through a dealer, or other ideas of how to market your work.

As an artist, it is very hard even to think of "marketing" as it's hard enough just to be true to yourself and make a piece in the first place.

as an added note, please consider clicking on one of the ads as each time someone clicks I get a small amount of money...... anything to help the starving artist!

MY STUDIO SHOW & THE CURRENT ECONOMY

I had a studio show on July 2nd, from 3-7 pm. A friend had suggested that I have an early summer show, so I decided to try the First Thursday route, even though I'm not really a gallery.

Changing the studio from a working studio, which tends to get clogged with projects and mess, to a "gallery" took a little time. I had to cover up all the glass (a lot of it is stored in a shelf behind the mosaic in the first photo) and also get all the small pieces of glass off the floor. We taped some new tarps down, as the pink carpeting is just not acceptable on the floor.

The day before we bought all sorts of supplies for the party -- just getting all that together is quite time consuming. I made a "summer salad" from a recipe that my cousin Janet provided, and another friend, Susan, made brownies. We put all that out.

Chris and I then just puttered around waiting for 3:00 to arrive. I had sent out a mailer inviting people, but I didn't put anything in the paper.

Just before three a woman came from another friend who brought me a beautiful orchid.






Then -- we waited. I was feeling very depressed and thinking, "Everybody hates me!" when at about 3:15 a rather large group of people showed up and it remained that way the rest of the day. I got a lot of good feedback on my pieces and sold several things, so feel it was highly successful.

For anyone who reads this blog and plans their own show, I think the thing is to be persistent and patient. One of the sales was of something I did several years ago and the buyer remembered it.

In summary, I feel encouraged to work.

When I had my first sale/show ten years ago almost, after the show I had a big obstacle, as I was thinking as I started a new project: "This will sell." That is not the motivation to do art, at least I strongly believe that. This time, I feel encouraged as I know people like the new directions I have taken and have approved of them, so I feel empowered to take them further and work more. At present I am painting rather than doing mosaics.

Wishing you the best on your artistic journey, whatever it may be, whether just living life or making something special.

The Secret

This piece is recently completed.

approx. 16 x 19", oil on board.

click on the painting and it will enlarge for viewing.


Announcing a studio show on Thursday, July 2 at my studio gallery in Portland from 3-7 pm.

Check my formal website for the Portland address and contact information. http://www.christinezachary.net

LONGING, oil on board 16 x 16"

I haven't written anything for a couple weeks as I've been working on several paintings.

It seems that I go back and forth between painting and the glass over painting mosaic projects. I don't understand how someone can just do an endless series of the same sort of thing. I go to gallery shows and everything looks like it was done with a formula. I tend the repeat myself trying to improve on what I did, and also perfect an idea or go deeper, but it often changes dramatically in form. That's how I got to the mosaics over painting, for instance.

Anyway, the piece I've finished is called "longing", and I have it here. The next one after that which I hope to finish soon is called "the secret". Both are oils in a sort of realistic style.

ROLF

If you scroll down you can see I was doing mosaics for a while. At present I am interested in doing somewhat abstracted realistic pictures, rather like Henri Rousseau or Edward Hopper. All start with an old snapshot I picked up somewhere or other in my digging through estate sales and thrift stores.

KRYSTIAN ZIMMERMAN CONCERT IN SEATTLE--my review

UPDATED ON April 27--

On April 21 Christopher and I drove to Seattle and back in a single day from Portland, Or. to hear the great pianist Krystian Zimerman.

I have to say, I wasn't that enthusiastic about driving 3 1/2 hours and then waiting around in Seattle. We got a speeding ticket which didn't add to my expectations, but after that occurred I had no more trepidations about going.

We had heard numerous recordings and saw a few performances by Zimerman on Youtube, so my husband Chris was eager to hear him on his rare visit to the US, and we purchased tickets months ago. We also read a lot of stuff about his reputation for cancelling performances and his quirks such as taking 3 piano actions with him, his own Steinway, memorizing 3 separate fingerings for each piece, things like that. I had a somewhat negative attitude about going to hear what sounded like an egomaniac obsessive compulsive. In fact, as he had already canceled his East Coast side of the tour which included Carnegie Hall, I felt we had just wasted $90 as he probably wouldn't show up here either. But he did.

In Meany Hall, in a very hot, stuffy auditorium the nearly white haired Zimerman came out at 8:15, sat at the bench, and then began to speak about what the Bach might possibly mean, that Bach often put codes into his music, and said that the end of his performance would have something to do with the new administration's attitude, "Yes we can".

Having heard the news from Los Angeles just a week later, I think his attitude changed somewhat.

As to the Bach, From the first note his artistry was apparent, and he shifted from "this world" into that world of illusion that is beyond reality with no effort, and brought a huge audience with him, breathless, concentrated, soundless. The heat was forgotten. Chris said that he ended the Partita on a major rather than a minor, and that a major indicates something positive. I wouldn't have gotten that, but did feel the exuberance.

The second piece was Beethoven Opus 111, a piece that Christopher is presently working on again, so I know it quite well from hearing it played over and over. Zimmerman's was a stunning performance from beginning to end. I am not a musicologist so will extrapolate the impression it made on me from my feelings about visual art. The architecture of the piece was complete, but more than that I always felt that underneath all the grandiose gestures, the rumbling fortes, and the profound pianissimos, that there was a sense of profound peace. It is this quality which I believe sets off a piece of great art and denotes the great performer, the sense of peace which underlies it and remains apparent no matter what. Also, every single part was finished and an integral part of the whole. I did not intellectualize this at the time, as I listened in rapt ecstasy. I felt it on a deep level and it will remain with me.

After intermission Zimerman played a piece by Grazyna Bacewicz, a woman composer from Poland, again a tour de force both of technique and his mastery. It is also a very interesting piece I hope to hear again. For me it was a bit of a challenge as it's more contemporary but I liked it very much.

Finally he played Scymanowski's Variations on a Polish theme. Perhaps if I weren't already overwhelmed by what I had already heard, I would have enjoyed it even more, but I think the piece itself is rather bombastic and a bit too saccharine for my taste. However, the playing was superb. I was terribly sad not to hear an encore but can understand he gave his all in what he did.

As to the Scymanowski played a week later at Disney Hall in Los Angeles, Zimerman easily countered any saccharine feeling which I said I felt by the announcement that he made before starting to play it down there.
He announced that he will not play in the US again due to the US mililtary's desire to take over the world, including the buildup of arms in Poland and said, "Stay out of my country!".

Also the article about this trip he made to LA (check out the LA Times) also said that one of his previous pianos shipped to the US had been destroyed, by Homeland Security, as they thought the glue smelled funny and suspected explosives in the glue. How horrible!!!! Can you imagine? This man is an artist and a perfectionist. He had probably worked on that piano for years making it as much of a masterpiece as his playing. And someone decides to blow it up! Couldn't they have checked it in some other way? No wonder he has an attitude about the US!! Apparently he now brings his piano to the US in pieces and assembles it himself here, as well as drives the truck himself between cities. So really, it must be too much for him.

On a selfish level, I am very glad to have been able to hear him in person even once. He is perhaps the greatest pianist I have ever had the privilege of hearing, and I believe every artist must be respected for what they have to offer the world. I am indeed sad that art and the situation of the world politically must intersect in such a negative way, however. If he weren't overshadowed by all these things, I think he might be even greater.

May all beings have happiness, and I hope the world changes enough that an artist such as Mr. Zimerman is not compelled to make such a statement and I hope that he will return one day as I believe with all my heart that Americans are a good and peace loving country.

I do believe personally that art brings happiness and thus ultimately peace, so in my view his bringing this sensibility to people, no matter where, will have a positive effect on the world. For this reason, I think his decision is a great loss to a nation such as the US which needs all the love and compassion it can get.

THE DEMON OF ENVY

I think it's time to impart a little about myself and how I got to doing what I'm doing. I mean, really how it came about.

When my husband of 30+ years, Christopher, and I got together, we had many mutual interests and a lot of happiness as a couple. Christopher is a remarkable pianist. Of course I am his biggest fan, I believe that his outstanding qualities can be corroborated by a number of people who have known him. Notwithstanding his performances, he is a little like that woman Susan Boyle who just got up out of total obscurity and sang. She knew she was good. There was something there but as she said, she'd never had the chance. I have no doubt that there are many people like that. Chris is respected by those who are aficionados, but has never had a stellar career. When I met him I thought, "He is really great, he should be out doing concerts all the time, surely someone will want him." But this didn't happen, and it grieved me greatly for a number of years.

As to why it didn't happen, I don't know, maybe it's karma, maybe there are too many pianists and not enough places, maybe you have to know the right people. Christopher's teacher Mr. Schnabel told him it took two million dollars to launch a concert career in the early 90's, but that in Christopher's case, perhaps it might happen anyway as Mr. Schnabel believed in him. Nevertheless, his concerts are rare and for years I not only grieved over this but had a most terrible envy of those people I felt less deserving than him for their larger careers.

This envy and the suffering caused by being unrecognized can be very hard. In many ways.

If you're an artist, in fact if you do anything in which you have devoted a lot of time and have achieved excellence, I would think that this scenario would resonate in some way. Feeling neglected and unwanted can be hard. I finally realized that Christopher is a retiring humble man, and for him music is something he must do, but the "career", well perhaps that isn't so important to him. And it occurs to me that I might not have been so happy either traveling around, what with my fear of flying and dislike of beds other than my own. Nor would I be fulfilled just going around like that. Maybe it's not such a great life in some ways. Krystian Zimmerman is known to cancel many of his performances and I think it is due to some sort of stress, as he is such a perfectionist. Surely that can't engender a lot of joy!

To get back to me and the art, in the earlier years, I was hesitant to go forward with anything myself, as we had our financial problems, and besides, I felt he should do his work and I'd help in some ways. I had left the art scene during the Vietnam War in Boulder and felt I was at a dead end. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I knew what I didn't want to do, and that was a lot of what people were doing as artists at the time. In the early 80's it became too much for me, and I had to start painting again, and have pretty much continued to this day, doing more and more, looking for my own voice. For many years most people I knew had no idea that the art in the house was mine. Many of my friends didn't know about it at all. It is only fairly recently that I have sort of announced to the world that I am an artist.

So now, I have my studio, and have actually had it about 10 years, and the amount of work I've done in the last 25 is quite large, and so occasionally I begin to have the same sort of feelings I had toward other musicians in relation to artists who seem to have a lot of shows, publicity etc. But this has made me stop and reflect on my motivation for doing my art, and this is the part I think I want to share with you the person reading this.

Doing what I am doing has nothing to do with "selling" or "fame". It's true I have a blog and a website, and in a way even they seem very egotistical to have. For me it's the challenge of making something that comes alive. Out of which some essence emerges. I would hope to share it with you, if you are reading this.

I hope that I am able to continue as an artist, to afford my studio and hopefully bring a little joy or inspiration to others, bring them back to a memory or place that means something to them and enriches them.

AUTUMN SMOKE

This piece is now finished and grouted. The frame was very difficult as the braces I put on the back warped. Had to chip them off and lost pieces in the process. But now, it's done and I'm taking a break from mosaics, painting again.
The little photo was the inspiration for this...

PIECE IN PROGRESS

This piece, which will be called AUTUMN SMOKE, is 72" by 40". Have about 2/3 of the glass attached to the board, this job must be finished and a few pieces changed, then after it dries I will have to grout it. The grouting will unify and bring out some of the parts. But thought I'd give you a preview.

VALIDATION

After talking about feeling misunderstood, I got an acceptance in a national juried show today, this piece, "3 Women" oil on board with gilt background. 14 x 16 inches. Actually, it's the third of a series of these three women I've done, and I want to do a mosaic of them as well. Something about them has struck me.

I am finishing up my second big mosaic -- have all the tiles arranged, then the next step is gluing it all down on the support, then when it dries there is grouting, and making the frame. A lot of steps. However, I can't imagine anything I'd rather be doing.

SEEING ART

Today a person who is not connected to the art world came to my studio -- as she was visiting my friend down the hall.

I realized immediately that this woman had only one motivation and that was to sell me something, or perhaps she was just distracted, but I was struck that she has obviously never looked at a piece of "art" in her life. She seemed in such a hurry and with no focus.

Her way of looking at my stuff was just to walk fast and her eyes briefly lit on things. I felt that nothing registered. Even my huge picture seemed not to stop her for two seconds, and everyone else always stops and looks at it for a while. To me it seemed her mind was going at such a rate that most of what she was seeing didn't register. I doubt she could be a crime scene investigator or detective remembering details! I tend to be so much the opposite. I have to let a picture "sink in" and look at it a long time, feeling it deeply, letting the colors textures and the images do their work on me.

I felt sort of insulted at first, but then thought about it and realize that to learn to look at art is an art in itself. You have to learn to open your eyes, and although there are things that can be comprehended immediately the act of connoisseurship is a slow process. I cannot imagine this woman would understand a Gaugin, or a Miro. The pictures of Paul Klee would be to her simply child's play.

The seer of art must be an artist too.

SPRING IN LAKE OSWEGO

I have not written anything for a while, as I had decided not to write about my emotional obstacles to a successful art career. My attitude was that it would be "whining".

And in the meantime have made a lot of progress on the second of the four pieces I have planned, "Autumn smoke". I will try to have a picture up of it soon.

As to the first comment, maybe it's important for me to voice my feeling as I am sure that a great many artists out somewhere, people I don't know but with whom I have a certain connection, have similar feelings.

There is a poem in the New Yorker this week called "Civilization" and it expresses much of what I have been brooding about recently, as the meaning of life often rears its head in this day and age. We none of us get what we want, or so it seems. The fear of economic longterm woes hits all of us, and makes us fearful.

I have always managed to get by somehow, by having a number of different things I did to make a living. And Chris my husband is the same. We had some pretty difficult years and have gone through a lot of emotional suffering over the fact that things didn't work out "as planned." When in adulthood do we really get to the point in life where we realize things never go "as planned." That there are always things that intervene?

I think my art has shown this to me more than any other path. There is one picture I did a couple years ago which really changed things for me and which has opened a door. It is the above piece. I originally did a painting based on a color snapshot of a house in Lake Oswego. In front was the image of a girl on crutches. I was not totally satisfied with the painting. I had bought a bunch of stained glass scraps from a garage sale, and began to rummage through them, when I came upon a couple pieces (the roof piece and the one in the upper right) and thought, "These are interesting." I then applied the pieces and more, which I cut, as a collage. Then it seemed finished.

Now this harks back to how things never go "as planned." I find that as I work things emerge from that deep place and when it happens there is a certain happiness that results.

As to career, well, that is a different matter and I leave it to those who are able to create "inventory" and make art a business. For me, it is something I just can't live without doing. I would hope that someday maybe things will start to be wanted by a larger audience, but that is not the motivation to do art.

I would copy that poem I read here but am afraid it's copyrighted. So if you are interested to to the March 23 New Yorker and look up "Civilization" by Carl Phillips.

INITIATE

INITIATE, 2008 48 x 36 inches mosaic over painting with mirror pieces.

Friends

A lovely pose of a pedestrian and his friend on a leash. Taken this afternoon in Portland.

Desire, Anger, Ignorance

STILL LIFE WITH BOUDOIR SLIPPER -- oil on board

Sometimes I get fed up and depressed about life because I go down and work on my pieces and feel that it's all just a waste of time. I feel that living my life in general is a waste of time when it comes to that.

Usually no one bothers to come to my studio when I'm open, and even though I have a lot of positive feedback from the people when they do look at my things, I guess I want more!

Then there is the nagging fear that the "economy" will have a terrible effect on all as well. Somehow I cannot quite believe this, as we have lived through this sort of difficult life for years and always seem to get by with several different jobs. The art is something I just manage to afford, it is not a job but something I would rather do more than anything else.

I have been surfing the net and publications and see there and tens of thousands of other artists out there, all the shows, the installations, the pieces selling for huge amounts, many of which to me seem not to merit it, and I have to admit, I do feel the above emotions, Desire, Anger and Ignorance. The Buddhists say these three things are the cause of all suffering in one way or another.

Desire: because somehow there isn't a sense of satisfaction, that all these works I've done are piling up. Should I quit cluttering the universe? Maybe I should give everything away. I don't know. I ask myself, what satisfaction does an artist want? Maybe it has nothing to do with marketing or fame. It is a striving for arete, that word the Greeks had for "excellence" something within that must be satisfied. I do see that there are many artists who have that sort of motivation, they are the ones I admire the most.

Anger: mine is often sublimated into depression and that causes inertia, being stuck in a grey place. I believe depression can be anger turned in onto oneself. And I feel this anger that things aren't going as I would wish them to. It is sometimes nameless, formless, but when I paint it dissipates with the colors sometimes. There is the angry regret that I haven't lived my life from A to B in a straight line, and there are all these mistakes I've made and keep making. Again as I put it into words I realize that what I "want" is perhaps more nebulous than concrete. No, I wouldn't have made a good bacteriologist (one of my goals) nor scientist. Nor would I have been a good college teacher. And I wasted a lot of time just trying to make a living and get along. Isn't that the road for many of us? So my little pictures are in a way so much more precious because of it all.

Finally the third poison, ignorance: Yes. the lack of wisdom that arrives along with the desire and anger. If I did have true wisdom I don't think there would be any unhappiness. I think of Mr. Natural doing the dishes, then saying, "Another job well done." Yes, that is it. That is the Zen way of doing things: "When I'm hungry I eat, when I'm tired I sleep." How simple, how hard for us driven to fill our days with so much more than will fit in.

Tomorrow I will go do some practical and impractical things, and I will try to live the day without regret, and just be what I am.

BREAD RISING

BREAD RISING. 5 X 7 inches unframed

not yet framed or priced.

I am painting again, taking a break from mosaics before I start the next in my series.

This photo of the "salon room" gives an idea of the size of the newest piece.