A DAILY ART CHRONICLE OF CHRISTINE ZACHARY

2012-02-07T19:27:00.000-08:00

Helen's Autumn Haze
oil on panel, 14 x 18, completed 2012

2012-01-21T00:30:00.000-08:00

I am making a shift in my work -- more color. And impasto. At least in the most recent pieces I've been working on.

INTRUDERS -- oil on panel, 18 x 24, 2011

ANOTHER GENERATION OF WOMEN

2011-10-16T11:03:00.000-07:00

This piece has gone through many changes and taken a long time. The title is Another Generation of Women. I have a lot more to add about that but will leave it to the viewer to make their own story and interpretation

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COPYRIGHT: All paintings, pictures and essays in this blog are the property of Christine Zachary. Reproduction or retransmission of these materials in whole or in part, in any manner, without prior written consent, is a violation of copyright law.

The Motel

2011-10-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

This piece is I believe just about finished. I have spent several months working on it. Besides my paintings of figures, I have been doing a number of paintings of scenes which include buildings. This one is a motel in The Dalles, Oregon which I saw on a bright windy day.

motel: 34 x 20 inches, oil on board

Getting to a Plateau

2011-08-06T21:55:00.000-07:00

I think a lot of artists of every sort work at their art or craft and along the way they become rather skilled, and get to a plateau.

This can present an obstacle to further development as an artist. One thinks of the writer of a mystery series, for example. The detective has been created along with a certain world, and if successful the writer begins to publish the mysteries. It is true that some writers can remain true to themselves and their craft in this way. Agatha Christie wrote plays as well as had several different series of mysteries with different characters, and I think achieved a lot.

In the world of the painter/artist there are again many possibilities. I can say that for a number of years I was just experimenting with different styles, materials and techniques, always trying to make something that had something deeper in it. In the past few years I have begun to do strictly painting, and this is a limited technique which draws on a lot of other things I have learned over the years. But still, there is the huge danger of reaching a plateau, with which I associate the word mediocrity.

A plateau artist is someone who has hit on a style or subject that sells, perhaps, or who has mastered a certain technique so that painting is "easy." I sort of think that when it is too easy your eyes have blinders. We need to go back to the great poet Basho who traveled and distilled his experience in the most intense Haiku.

There are so many approaches to the start of a work of art, and then for me, there is the destroying and starting again. A piece that turns out to be successful must have a surprise in it, not only for the viewer but for the artist who made it. And that surprise isn't just some arrogant flip of the brush, but the result of letting it sink in and trusting to one's own inner being but at the same time being open to everything in pure mindfulness.

THE POETESS

2011-07-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

I have worked and reworked this painting for about a year. I feel I have finally completed it.

THE POETESS, 24 x 36 oil on panel, 2011 if you wish to enlarge this, click on the photo, I think you can click on it twice to make it large.

The Obstacle of Selling Art

2011-06-26T00:11:00.000-07:00

Recently I spoke with a woman deeply involved in the business of art, galleries and the commercial side of our passion. She was articulate about what it would mean to point oneself toward gallery representation, which includes having a consistent body of work to show. She mentioned that my present website, which at the time was populated with work I've done over the past 7 or 8 years in varying styles, was a mish mash of things and not the best way to display my work. I have to agree and in fact have grown tired of many of my experiments of the past.

What to do with all those pieces I did earlier: encrusted pieces and mosaics. Perhaps demolition? A friend of mine from the distant past said he had burned all his paintings after he left the clinic he'd gone to after his breakdown. He often exulted about "the big bon" as he called the bonfire of his paintings. I'm afraid I might not go that far, but perhaps a huge trip or two to the goodwill or a dumpster might be a good idea for many of the things I've done in earlier years. Maybe a flat pit in the yard which archaeologists can find some future time. It's all impermanent.

About a year ago, or perhaps almost 2 years ago, I first got a book out of the library with the work of the 15th century painter, Jan Van Eyk. When I checked the book out it was brand new, and when I took it back it was quite used as I had read it, reread it and turned the pages so many times. I then began to develop a strong interest in Renaissance art and techniques of painting developed by Van Eyk and later painters. My second obsession was Edward Hopper, as I believe his work embodies many of the same qualities I am interested in. Also I know he was deeply influenced by many of the 19th century European painters.

Edward Hopper said somewhere that he just paints, with no funny stuff. That phrase really hit home with me as I have gone through so many layers of "technique" and all sorts of funny stuff: dropping glass beads into wet paint, dropping shavings of pastels into the paint, collage, encaustic, finally gluing globs of paint onto the canvas and later pieces of glass, all of which was interesting to me at the time but limiting to the creation of a really simple and complete work of art.

I believe I came back the other way after doing large mosaics over paintings and the like when I made this piece: Sunday Morning:

This piece was inspired from a photo of a young woman sitting at a table which I found in a magazine at the Goodwill. Having sketched from that I arrived at this which I believe has transcended my intent. The painting is no longer "mine".

Back to the selling of art. This piece and the ones like it which I have spent a lot of time on are nothing I want to take to a restaurant or even a gallery and offer for a price. I feel there are many people besides me out there who feel as I do, people who don't really believe that the making of art is to make things to sell. Rather it is something that has to be done in order to satisfy a deep need. I saw John Le Carre's "last interview" recently and admired what he said, that art is your life and to achieve it you have to be sort of meditative and let it live within you. He said that some other writers he knows are very witty and use up their creativity in that way rather than holding it and then using it in his art. Surely the fascinating characters he summons from his own mind can come no other way.

I have entered juried shows. I like them as they give me the feeling that my work resonates at least with someone else, but also like the lack of pressure there is in entering them. I may continue the route of juried shows, and intend to just paint for a while. I have given away all my glass to an arts center and don't miss it. There has been a terrible self-consciousness that appears when I feel I am making something to be completed by a certain time, or for a show. Far better to let things take their course. Let everyone have their 15 minutes of fame, and be happy in it. I would never aim for that.

COPYRIGHT: All paintings, pictures and essays in this blog are the property of Christine Zachary. Reproduction or retransmission of these materials in whole or in part, in any manner, without prior written consent, is a violation of copyright law.

change in format of blog

2011-06-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

I have decided mostly to write about painting, think the old style of my blog was too much of a smorgasbord. So,

if you wish to visit my formal website, please click on the link

COPYRIGHT: All paintings, pictures and essays in this blog are the property of Christine Zachary. Reproduction or retransmission of these materials in whole or in part, in any manner, without prior written consent, is a violation of copyright law.

COMMENTS ON PICASSO

2011-02-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

Recently I purchased a DVD, a copy of the film La Mystere Picasso, which shows Picasso painting 20 pictures. I had seen the film long ago at an art museum, probably close to when it was made, and at the time was interested that in some way I and many artists work like Picasso, going over different areas and trying to balance the elements.

This time I watched in rapt fascination as he is so intensely focused and at the same time free. I can only compare it to what I believe is one of the outcomes of great meditators who have a connection with both a childlike state of being at one with everything and at the same time a clarity of vision which comes only after much self searching and wisdom. I am sure that anyone who watches this film has a favorite piece out of the group he made. I think what most impressed me was that he wasn't afraid to begin. And further he wasn't afraid to destroy. The piece mutated and grew until finally it "became". There was some essence at the beginning, but if he'd left things at the stage of a pretty drawing, it would have stagnated.

I have vacillated back and forth between the objective, trying to understand light, shadow and make things look "real" and letting go. the piece below, "The Mentor" falls into the second category. Actually I started with a photo of a beach scene and over time things began to evolve.

Over the years I have read and studied the works, methods and styles of many artists whose work has some special feeling for me. In the old days I wasn't all that fond of Picasso, as Guernica is to a novice eye a frightening work, and I used to think some of the other compositions downright peculiar. As time has gone on, I have come to see the roots from which Picasso sprang and some of the influences, and more than that have come to admire the things he said as inspiration.

Since I moved back here I have had an obstacle trying to make things worthy of the new room. Finally I have just avoided it and let things simmer. The thought occurs to me that I will never be one of those traditional realist artists. I am too rooted in Klee, Chagall, Kandinsky, Gaugin, Bonnard, and the mystical feeling I get from certain things. I must trust myself, much as I see that Picasso trusted himself and the magic followed.

COMMENT ON WHY ONE DOES ART

2010-11-12T22:48:00.000-08:00

Our friend, distinguished writer from Brazil, Rogel Samuel, responded to my last entry on the blog and quoted from Villa Lobos, translated here by Chris:

"My art is like letters to the future
from which I am expecting no response."

Yes, that is it, isn't it?

DOING ART

2010-11-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

I am back to the motivation for doing art and comments about it.

In some sense, I think every person is an artist, at least latently. I have seen works of all sorts done by different people, but not all put the badge of "artist" upon themselves.

For me, I was always drawn to the process of creating. My grandmother taught me to crochet and knit when I was about 5, and I made my first cable knit sweater when I was in the 3rd grade. It was pretty ugly, but I made it! For Christmas I always loved all the craft kits: woodburning, weaving, beading, number painting, anything that was available in that era. Also, I took art classes at the home of Miss Mary Kirk who was then the art teacher at the Lima Ohio high school. Miss Kirk lived with her mother in her family home, a large Victorian house covered with dust. She had made the front room into a kind of art studio, and a small group of girls would come on Saturday mornings. I remember being dropped off at her house and knocking. I was always at least 30 minutes early, and she never let me in until 9:30 when the class started. Often I was on the porch shivering in the winter weather.

Miss Kirk's classes always consisted of a "project" she had thought out for us to do. We did many different things over the years I went. Miss Kirk used a ruler and marked our names & height along with the date on the wall of the house. Her huge cat "Tom" for whom she boiled foul smelling kidneys on Saturdays lived on, as did her ancient mother, always in a chair in the corner under a huge trailing hoya plant covering the window with long vines and blossoms that smelled like chocolate. The dusty living room was filled with mementos of Miss Kirk's Attorney father, I especially liked her alabaster model of the Taj Mahal. How I enjoyed making puppets, learning perspective, my first painting, marbleized paper, so many interesting projects.

But I digress --- however it is only to tell you how I have loved to make things all my life. Knitting, embroidery, art, sewing.

My husband Christopher is a pianist but never had a large career. He is a modest, retiring man and the idea of trying to break into a world filled with competition was something he avoided. For many years I couldn't understand this, but as I look back I realize that there are very few people able to scale the heights of a Richter or Dinu Lipati.

This relates to me and what I do, as I spent many years very bitter over the fact that people I perceived as far inferior to him artistically seemed to have all sorts of engagements and publicity. I felt that this world was like almost every world where there were people vying for "the job." Does it matter what? It seemed to me that it was almost a rule that those who fell more into the category of mediocre seemed to take the time to succeed by networking or other means sometimes less attractive to mention.

Now back to me. I started painting in earnest again after a terrible trauma in our life together. So that trauma was really a blessing, though we didn't see it that way at the time. We had lost our house and almost all the money we had. I had a small antique shop which hardly paid for itself, and Chris had several jobs accompanying and playing at two churches. He played at a catholic church and they paid him $100 a month. He was let go as a new music director came in and brought his own musicians, and we were devastated at the loss of $100 a month!!

During that time, my father's oldest sister died. I hardly knew her, but she had never married. She left her estate to all the nieces and nephews. One day I received a check in the mail for $328, my share of the inheritance from Aunt Irene. I decided to buy paints, as all my art supplies of years past had been given away or lost, so went to a store and bought boxes of Winsor & Newton oils, some good brushes, gesso and masonite boards. I then began to paint in our terrible rental house near my antique shop as much as I could. I painted only one shape and size, a 16 x 16 inch square, at that time. I painted with the impressionists, the fauves, Bonnard in mind when I started. Chagall, Kandinsky came later.

None of the people I knew realized that I did painting at all, and if they came over and saw all the paintings on the tops of the moldings of the house, they somehow did not attribute them to me. Only one woman who was Chris' piano student watched my progress. It was at that time that I began to realize that painting always took on a life of its own, that you had to let go and at the same time let a part of you oversee what was occurring.

Back to the reason I am writing this post: as a child and later when I began doing art again it was because I had to, there was something driving me to do it and a relief felt when I managed to contact something within myself which seemed to be revealed by doing the art.

Now I jump to 2010. I spent the last ten years in a downtown studio on the fifth floor of a rather obscure building where no one ever came except to receptions I invited people to. Parking was horrible and expensive, but I trekked down there for the opportunity to be able to leave the junk out and in a mess if I wanted, to experiment, and to spend hours in total silence except for the traffic noise. My surroundings were the brick walls of the adjacent buildings and the somewhat bad light.

In that time I produced scores of pieces in a variety of styles, from pointillist to fauve, and if I didn't like them I scraped them down and used the scrapings on something else. Again, my motivation was simply to paint and see what emerged. I went through a period of "encrusted" paintings, and then into collage with glass and other objects. Most recently I have reverted to pure painting, inspired by the work of Edward Hopper and Jan Van Eyck. I checked a book out of the library on Jan Van Eyck. When I checked it out, it was like new, and when I returned it it was extremely used, as I had gone through it so many times!

Selling. In the past couple of years I made the acquaintance of the only other artist in the building who does commission paintings of pets. Her work is skilful, but I think her influence was counter to my view of things as her main interest was "that will sell." To me the selling part isn't the thing. I remember the first show I had at the studio downtown in which I sold a number of pieces. Afterward, I started working and thinking to myself, "This will sell." and it was a total failure which I lost interest in completely.

Yes, it would be nice to sell. I will not do any more mosaics until I sell one of my big ones, and who knows, that may be never! But maybe I'm satisfied to have made my two large mosaics at least for now. There is no room for any more, and I have no yearning for a huge space to churn out commercial commissions.

I have moved to the new studio now, a space I'm still taking on as my own. I feel that some sort of freedom is going to emerge in my work now that I have realized that my motivation cannot be commercial.

So, back to people like me, there must be a lot of people who are creative in whatever they do: the point is to do what you love in this life. If you play the piano, you can at least play for friends and locally. Frankly I am very very glad that Christopher didn't get a big career, where we would have to stay with strangers we would never know well, eat in restaurants we didn't like and have to fly. No that would be a horrible life indeed. No amount of applause would make it right. And for me, I have realized that I have the freedom to do what I want.

tonight, 11 pm, Chris plays Rachmaninoff and all is at peace

Back to doing Art

2010-10-23T00:07:00.000-07:00

The past 3 months has been difficult in some respects as we have had several different things pulling at us. The long term one was adding a studio room onto the house. Although I was totally pleased with the result, it was a long drawn out process with a lot of detail work that went on and took time. I don't regret the time frame as they did a good job. However, it is wearing to have people at your house a lot of the time.

Then I had gotten into this rather large event, Portland Open Studios which I've mentioned below. Preparing for this made me clean up my entire studio, hang almost 100 pieces, and try to pack up and organize as much of the stuff as possible. The event was over two weekends and extremely exhausting to me.

The day after the event, we rushed down again and packed everything, took most of the pictures off the walls and took some of the paintings home in the car. The following day, we got up at 5 a.m. in anticipation of the movers, who arrived at 8 am.

The movers did a good job and the contents of 4 small rooms of the studio were transferred to our house, which is still in a state of semi-chaos. I feel I have organized at least most of the studio so I can start painting again, and today painted for a while. The light is so much better, I know that will make a great difference.

my new large easel is behind the double storage cabinets, and virtually all my supplies for painting are within arm's reach. The mosaic glass is all in boxes which are three high and serve as a work table top. I am not sure when I will do mosaics again as they are so heavy. Perhaps a sculpture next summer... Meanwhile I hope to continue painting.

It looks a bit cluttered and confined in the photo, but is actually comfortable and roomy. I hope in a few more days that the accumulated exhaustion from not enough sleep and stress will wear off and we can make this change.

STARTING A NEW PIECE

2010-03-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

I have again become interested in plain and simple painting. After years of abstracting, experimentation and so on I'm back to the basics of composition, color and all the elements that create a work of art in a simple way.

My most recent pieces have been of city landscapes. I just worked on a large piece of several buildings on a road and find that no matter what the piece is, that the same sorts of things happen, that it is a great struggle to find balance, color harmony, and finally to allow the original inspiration come through.

I struggled and struggled to get it and finally it's in a state (not complete, how could it ever be) where I'm leaving it alone. I had a sort of emotional exhaustion afterward, but today started yet another landscape which involves several houses, the Columbia river and the far shore. Again, it is that same dance between colors, shapes, lines, angles, and feeling. I don't know how the plien air people do it. I really don't know how one can choose the "right" color in just a day.

I was reading about Leonardo and the Mona Lisa, that he took it with him for several years and must have worked on it during those times. I quote from his Treatise on Painting:

"There are men who are discoverers and intermediaries and interpreters between Nature and Man, rather than boasters and declaimers of other people's work, and these must be admired and esteemed as the object in front of a mirror in comparison to the image seen in the mirror. The first is a real object in and of itself, the second is nothing. These people owe nothing to Nature; it is only good fortune that they wear a human form and, if it weren't for this good fortune, I'd classify them with the cattle and the animals.
There are many who would, with reason, blame me by pointing out that my proofs are contrary to established authority, which is, after all, held in great reverence by their inexperienced minds. They do not realize that my works arise from unadulterated and simple experience, which is the one true mistress, the one true muse. The rules of experience are all that is needed to discern the true from the false; experience is what helps all men to look temperately for the possible, rather than cloaking oneself in ignorance, which can result in no good thing, so that, in the end, one abandons oneself to despair and melancholy.

These are interesting words. I believe that what he means by "experience" points to several things, not only the scientific method by which he examined the properties of light, shade, perspective and so on, but also the inner wisdom which he imparts in such a remarkable way to his masterpiece the Mona Lisa. That the expression shown through her eyes must surely be the inner light of his own, as after all, we all ultimately paint ourselves and our own inner and outer experience.

Thus to think that a painting must have an overt message brings it to a lower level. My husband Chris was talking of poetry and said that poetry is written because it can't be expressed any other way, and the same goes with painting. If you can explain the meaning of a piece, then why bother?

In my last piece I have painted a large rather run down wood home which is built on a rise up from the Columbia River. It's on the main drag going into a lumber town, and next to it are several other buildings which have all become businesses. I was struck by the look of the house and actually made a second trip to Astoria to photograph the houses next door. There was the frame of what must have been a sign up on the berm, and I originally put it in, thinking that would indicate some extra meaning in the picture, but in the last repaint I removed the sign as I wasn't necessarily wanting to make some statement which involved that. The piece had taken on a life of its own and I now look at it like a visitor as well.

I think that a piece of true poetry takes on a life of its own beyond the intention of the artist.

THE WORK ETHIC

2010-03-08T10:23:00.000-08:00

I guess going to my studio every single day and working an average of 3 hours or more has begun to pay off. Recently I was notified by two shows that I have gotten juried entries accepted. One took 2 of my 3 entries and the other took 3 of my 3 entries.

As I can be so hard on myself and my own work, constantly critiquing it and trying to improve it, this encouragement is well appreciated. These are the 3 pieces accepted in one of the shows:
titles are GOING DIFFERENT WAYS, NORTHWEST FARM AND DAY AT THE BEACH

PAINTING: THE MEDIUM THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME

2010-02-15T08:57:00.000-08:00

I read the following in the New York Times:

"What’s missing is art that seems made by one person out of intense personal necessity, often by hand. A lot but not all of this kind of work is painting, which seems to be becoming the art medium that dare not speak its name where museums are concerned. "

The reviewer, Roberta Smith, then went on to suggest several artists who I then looked at, and I thought to myself that even the artists suggested have that same sort of minimalism, a cool aloofness from anything personal. I didn't find "intense personal necessity" in them.

What I see is that a lot of artists just become like a manufactury, churning out one after another piece. I look at my own things and they are sometimes small, personal, painful and often very flawed, but somehow I believe they are authentic.

Is there something wrong with expressing what is within oneself rather than projecting a veneer of taste or intellect?

Malaise of the artist, and most of us are uneasy --- with the exception perhaps of politicians

2009-11-23T12:29:00.000-08:00

I will share this with you, ----often I have a malaise which doesn't come from any one thing.

Would I feel any less malaise if I won the lottery, or became famous as an artist, or was instantly younger and absolutely perfect in every way? Probably not. I suppose blonde beauties have just as much malaise as aging bohemians.

I mentioned this to Chris as we often drive downtown and when I look at people's faces I see they are not happy in general. They want more, they have the malaise. Chris said, "Everyone feels a malaise about life, because life doesn't make any sense."

"Life doesn't make any sense." Rather a simple way to put the fact that things all over the planet are a mess in so many respects. The US in shambles financially and morally. And then on a personal level we all make these irrevocable decisions as to the direction of our lives, then suddenly switch courses or regret things later.

And yet we go on. Some time ago I got a rejection from something I feel was unfair and due to "politics as usual" in a closed group I was saddened over it, but then realized that I must simply be true to myself and go on. As an artist, it is an important decision just to go on and be true to your inner voice. Sometimes that poor little voice gets lost in all the grandiose schemes of the ego, wanting so much, understanding so little of the real nature of things.

Another really important question to ask yourself as an artist is the motivation for what you are doing. It is a very simple question: "What is your motivation?" but sometimes the answer is not so simple. Is it to make money, gain fame, or satisfy something else within yourself? I will perhaps write another post on this in the near future as it's a question I believe I'd like to explore in words. But for now the comment about Glenn Gould must suffice:
Glenn Gould said something to the effect that the artist should be able to operate in secret and not be dependent on the demands of the marketplace, and furthermore if the artist is able to do this, he/she will abandon a false sense of responsibility toward a public. He mentions this and also says that ideally the artist should be able to work unaware of what other people are doing!

INCIDENT - OIL ON BOARD

2009-11-19T23:21:00.000-08:00

INCIDENT -- oil on board 12 x 16"

2009-11-17T22:01:00.000-08:00

old houses in Astoria, Oregon

Sept. 09

approx. 18 x 18", oil on board

2009-10-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

Girl in White dress.

I have thought about various titles for this painting but don't want to draw attention to any one thing. It is inspired by a faded antique picture of a girl I found and inscribed on the back, "from your chum".

MOTHER & DAUGHTER oil on board 16 x 24"

2009-07-26T12:20:00.001-07:00

I just finished this -- it is an oil with gilding on the sky.

How to overcome feelings of artistic ennui

2009-07-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

In the past few months I have submitted a few of my things for exhibit. This was chosen as one of 31 out of over 500 entries in the Americas 2009 exhibit in Minot, ND. Out of 6 exhibits I've entered, I've been accepted in 3. I just got the notice today.

The notification came at a time when I was feeling really low about my work. I have been studying the work of Edward Hopper (you can see there is a small influence in the above piece with the windows) and seeing the way he did things makes me feel totally inadequate. One thing I like about Hopper, though, is that he resented being overlooked and not accepted in things. I was most resentful that I did not have a piece accepted in a large mosaics show, particularly after I saw what had been accepted in the place of my pieces. Then after having a little reception, even though I got a lot of good feedback from the people who came, I was still depressed.

As an artist you have probably noticed that there are art galleries and art for sale everywhere. I am just not sure how to deal with this. I was also reading about Marc Chagall's years in Paris and Berlin, and how he was taken advantage of by dealers, and also when he returned to where he had stored some early work not a thing was left and he never got paid.

If you are an artist and happen to read this blog I would be most appreciative of any comments you have about the process of selling through a dealer, or other ideas of how to market your work.

As an artist, it is very hard even to think of "marketing" as it's hard enough just to be true to yourself and make a piece in the first place.

as an added note, please consider clicking on one of the ads as each time someone clicks I get a small amount of money...... anything to help the starving artist!

The Secret

2009-06-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

This piece is recently completed.

approx. 16 x 19", oil on board.

click on the painting and it will enlarge for viewing.

Announcing a studio show on Thursday, July 2 at my studio gallery in Portland from 3-7 pm.

Check my formal website for the Portland address and contact information. http://www.christinezachary.net

LONGING, oil on board 16 x 16"

2009-05-25T22:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything for a couple weeks as I've been working on several paintings.

It seems that I go back and forth between painting and the glass over painting mosaic projects. I don't understand how someone can just do an endless series of the same sort of thing. I go to gallery shows and everything looks like it was done with a formula. I tend the repeat myself trying to improve on what I did, and also perfect an idea or go deeper, but it often changes dramatically in form. That's how I got to the mosaics over painting, for instance.

Anyway, the piece I've finished is called "longing", and I have it here. The next one after that which I hope to finish soon is called "the secret". Both are oils in a sort of realistic style.

ROLF

2009-05-06T17:07:00.000-07:00

If you scroll down you can see I was doing mosaics for a while. At present I am interested in doing somewhat abstracted realistic pictures, rather like Henri Rousseau or Edward Hopper. All start with an old snapshot I picked up somewhere or other in my digging through estate sales and thrift stores.

THE DEMON OF ENVY

2009-04-17T00:35:00.000-07:00

I think it's time to impart a little about myself and how I got to doing what I'm doing. I mean, really how it came about.

When my husband of 30+ years, Christopher, and I got together, we had many mutual interests and a lot of happiness as a couple. Christopher is a remarkable pianist. Of course I am his biggest fan, I believe that his outstanding qualities can be corroborated by a number of people who have known him. Notwithstanding his performances, he is a little like that woman Susan Boyle who just got up out of total obscurity and sang. She knew she was good. There was something there but as she said, she'd never had the chance. I have no doubt that there are many people like that. Chris is respected by those who are aficionados, but has never had a stellar career. When I met him I thought, "He is really great, he should be out doing concerts all the time, surely someone will want him." But this didn't happen, and it grieved me greatly for a number of years.

As to why it didn't happen, I don't know, maybe it's karma, maybe there are too many pianists and not enough places, maybe you have to know the right people. Christopher's teacher Mr. Schnabel told him it took two million dollars to launch a concert career in the early 90's, but that in Christopher's case, perhaps it might happen anyway as Mr. Schnabel believed in him. Nevertheless, his concerts are rare and for years I not only grieved over this but had a most terrible envy of those people I felt less deserving than him for their larger careers.

This envy and the suffering caused by being unrecognized can be very hard. In many ways.

If you're an artist, in fact if you do anything in which you have devoted a lot of time and have achieved excellence, I would think that this scenario would resonate in some way. Feeling neglected and unwanted can be hard. I finally realized that Christopher is a retiring humble man, and for him music is something he must do, but the "career", well perhaps that isn't so important to him. And it occurs to me that I might not have been so happy either traveling around, what with my fear of flying and dislike of beds other than my own. Nor would I be fulfilled just going around like that. Maybe it's not such a great life in some ways. Krystian Zimmerman is known to cancel many of his performances and I think it is due to some sort of stress, as he is such a perfectionist. Surely that can't engender a lot of joy!

To get back to me and the art, in the earlier years, I was hesitant to go forward with anything myself, as we had our financial problems, and besides, I felt he should do his work and I'd help in some ways. I had left the art scene during the Vietnam War in Boulder and felt I was at a dead end. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I knew what I didn't want to do, and that was a lot of what people were doing as artists at the time. In the early 80's it became too much for me, and I had to start painting again, and have pretty much continued to this day, doing more and more, looking for my own voice. For many years most people I knew had no idea that the art in the house was mine. Many of my friends didn't know about it at all. It is only fairly recently that I have sort of announced to the world that I am an artist.

So now, I have my studio, and have actually had it about 10 years, and the amount of work I've done in the last 25 is quite large, and so occasionally I begin to have the same sort of feelings I had toward other musicians in relation to artists who seem to have a lot of shows, publicity etc. But this has made me stop and reflect on my motivation for doing my art, and this is the part I think I want to share with you the person reading this.

Doing what I am doing has nothing to do with "selling" or "fame". It's true I have a blog and a website, and in a way even they seem very egotistical to have. For me it's the challenge of making something that comes alive. Out of which some essence emerges. I would hope to share it with you, if you are reading this.

I hope that I am able to continue as an artist, to afford my studio and hopefully bring a little joy or inspiration to others, bring them back to a memory or place that means something to them and enriches them.

VALIDATION

2009-03-27T17:21:00.000-07:00

After talking about feeling misunderstood, I got an acceptance in a national juried show today, this piece, "3 Women" oil on board with gilt background. 14 x 16 inches. Actually, it's the third of a series of these three women I've done, and I want to do a mosaic of them as well. Something about them has struck me.

I am finishing up my second big mosaic -- have all the tiles arranged, then the next step is gluing it all down on the support, then when it dries there is grouting, and making the frame. A lot of steps. However, I can't imagine anything I'd rather be doing.

SEEING ART

2009-03-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

Today a person who is not connected to the art world came to my studio -- as she was visiting my friend down the hall.

I realized immediately that this woman had only one motivation and that was to sell me something, or perhaps she was just distracted, but I was struck that she has obviously never looked at a piece of "art" in her life. She seemed in such a hurry and with no focus.

Her way of looking at my stuff was just to walk fast and her eyes briefly lit on things. I felt that nothing registered. Even my huge picture seemed not to stop her for two seconds, and everyone else always stops and looks at it for a while. To me it seemed her mind was going at such a rate that most of what she was seeing didn't register. I doubt she could be a crime scene investigator or detective remembering details! I tend to be so much the opposite. I have to let a picture "sink in" and look at it a long time, feeling it deeply, letting the colors textures and the images do their work on me.

I felt sort of insulted at first, but then thought about it and realize that to learn to look at art is an art in itself. You have to learn to open your eyes, and although there are things that can be comprehended immediately the act of connoisseurship is a slow process. I cannot imagine this woman would understand a Gaugin, or a Miro. The pictures of Paul Klee would be to her simply child's play.

The seer of art must be an artist too.

INITIATE

2009-03-13T00:58:00.000-07:00

INITIATE, 2008 48 x 36 inches mosaic over painting with mirror pieces.

Desire, Anger, Ignorance

2009-03-02T22:30:00.001-08:00

STILL LIFE WITH BOUDOIR SLIPPER -- oil on board

Sometimes I get fed up and depressed about life because I go down and work on my pieces and feel that it's all just a waste of time. I feel that living my life in general is a waste of time when it comes to that.

Usually no one bothers to come to my studio when I'm open, and even though I have a lot of positive feedback from the people when they do look at my things, I guess I want more!

Then there is the nagging fear that the "economy" will have a terrible effect on all as well. Somehow I cannot quite believe this, as we have lived through this sort of difficult life for years and always seem to get by with several different jobs. The art is something I just manage to afford, it is not a job but something I would rather do more than anything else.

I have been surfing the net and publications and see there and tens of thousands of other artists out there, all the shows, the installations, the pieces selling for huge amounts, many of which to me seem not to merit it, and I have to admit, I do feel the above emotions, Desire, Anger and Ignorance. The Buddhists say these three things are the cause of all suffering in one way or another.

Desire: because somehow there isn't a sense of satisfaction, that all these works I've done are piling up. Should I quit cluttering the universe? Maybe I should give everything away. I don't know. I ask myself, what satisfaction does an artist want? Maybe it has nothing to do with marketing or fame. It is a striving for arete, that word the Greeks had for "excellence" something within that must be satisfied. I do see that there are many artists who have that sort of motivation, they are the ones I admire the most.

Anger: mine is often sublimated into depression and that causes inertia, being stuck in a grey place. I believe depression can be anger turned in onto oneself. And I feel this anger that things aren't going as I would wish them to. It is sometimes nameless, formless, but when I paint it dissipates with the colors sometimes. There is the angry regret that I haven't lived my life from A to B in a straight line, and there are all these mistakes I've made and keep making. Again as I put it into words I realize that what I "want" is perhaps more nebulous than concrete. No, I wouldn't have made a good bacteriologist (one of my goals) nor scientist. Nor would I have been a good college teacher. And I wasted a lot of time just trying to make a living and get along. Isn't that the road for many of us? So my little pictures are in a way so much more precious because of it all.

Finally the third poison, ignorance: Yes. the lack of wisdom that arrives along with the desire and anger. If I did have true wisdom I don't think there would be any unhappiness. I think of Mr. Natural doing the dishes, then saying, "Another job well done." Yes, that is it. That is the Zen way of doing things: "When I'm hungry I eat, when I'm tired I sleep." How simple, how hard for us driven to fill our days with so much more than will fit in.

Tomorrow I will go do some practical and impractical things, and I will try to live the day without regret, and just be what I am.

DAILY WORK

2009-02-03T11:08:00.000-08:00

Today I will go down and work.

Here is view of one of the windows of my studio. I love the old buildings. Out of my back room I can just see Portland's 10th Avenue so if a parade goes by can get the barest glimpse.

WHY TRY TO MAKE ART?

2009-01-11T16:36:00.000-08:00

What is your motivation?

That is the big question, isn't it?

A spiritual friend once talked about the meaning of life, and the first thing he said was, "What is your motivation?" His meaning was that if your motivation is not pure, then you need to reexamine what you are doing and try to do something on a higher level. In other words, if for example your motivation falls into the category of greed, it's not very high.

In art the greed motivation would likely be someone who is churning out cutesy little cottages lit up with light and surrounded by idyllic flowers and making a bundle, all the while selling out to the real talent which may lay within that person who is a good businessman. Or maybe it's someone churning out dozens of geometric compositions. Is this wrong? I don't know, as it is a way to make a living. Mondrian, I hear, made money through selling paintings of flowers. But he never let go of his direction as to what was important to him. And Van Gogh sold only one painting in his lifetime. Again, he was someone who had to paint. So in an odd way I've beaten that record at least on the financial side. From the past, I see I have done best selling paintings of pets though I tend to do these only occasionally.

I too feel driven to paint and make art. In a way it doesn't matter to me whether I sell -- but I'd like to sell the older ones, the ones that are no longer haunting me as much as the newer pieces. It gives me happiness to place my older work with people and then see them later, when I have sort of forgotten them. It's like writing a poem then, you see them much later and say, "Why that isn't bad", and realize that perhaps you never really saw it, at least not the way you see it now.

INTRODUCING MYSELF

2009-01-11T14:59:00.000-08:00

On the left, OFFERING TO DIANA, mosaic over oil painting-- sold

Let me briefly introduce myself. I have had a studio in an older building in Portland, Oregon for almost 10 years. My husband is a concert pianist and originally he had a music studio in the old building I now call home for my art, but that never really panned out. Let me talk about that first.

Back in our late 20s and early 30s we both realized that he was an outstanding pianist and I thought there would be no difficulty in securing a "big career". But things went a bit different than planned. One of the first things you learn in life is that the "big career" is like winning the lottery. It is a bit of luck, a lot of self-promotion and networking. As the more typical artist, my husband Chris was an introvert whose playing was his one real means of revealing himself. We suffered many rejections and setbacks along the way. He had two agents over the years. The first took a large sum of money and ran, never getting a single engagement for him. The second actually hurt his career by asking presenters more than they could afford. The result of all this was that I became rather bitter about the prospect of making it as an artist, and so my own art suffered.

I had always done various things connected to art, from painting to making silver jewelry, pottery and sculpture, but gave it up for a while. After a particularly difficult time in our lives when we really were living the starving artist life, an aunt I'd only met once or twice died leaving all of her things to the many grandchildren in her family. I thus received a check for $328 out of the blue. At the time I was in a terrible depression. Chris had not gotten the big career, I was about 35 and had a small shop which I ran, and we were living from rent check to rent check. But as the inheritance from my aunt came, I decided to buy some paints, so went to a wholesale art supplier showing my business license, and bought a whole bunch of good quality paints and sized a bunch of masonite boards with gesso. It was thus, in our small rental house, with rather bad light, that I started painting again. That first year, I painted over 50 pieces, many of them painted over the tops many times, and it was then that I began (I say began) to develop a style of my own.

Between then and "the studio" my work was sporadic, though I felt compelled to work on things, but there is something about having your work in the house which can be overwhelming. We had these sills above the woodwork, so I placed all the finished pieces around. The entire rental house was filled with paintings I had produced. On top of that, I would obsess on the pieces, looking at the composition, colors, and want to change or improve them. After a while I hated them all and took everything down. Even today I can't stand to have too many of my old things around as the work continues to evolve.

I rented the studio, a single room about 9 by 16 feet on the fifth floor of an old building which used to be a hotel. The window looks out onto the brick wall of another hotel, a view I rather treasure. Things began to change dramatically when I got that room. First, all my "junk" was out of the house, and as a painter or artist I'm sure you know how much junk you can accumulate related to your projects. I organized is as best I could, but the main thing was that I would go down there, several miles from our home, and be by myself in a silent place with no distractions. Beyond that I could leave things out and experiment. My work began to change quite a bit after I got the studio, but still, there was a lot of self doubt and also at first a lack of total commitment to it, as I always have had in the back of my mind the fact that "greatness" is not automatically rewarded. The example of my husband's musical career has always haunted me, though today I cannot imagine that he and I would have found happiness in traveling endlessly, staying the homes of strangers, or me just being there for support. So maybe it was OK.

Now, ten years later, I have a studio of 4 small rooms, with the old first studio room included in it as a sort of gallery, and that my stuff has grown larger. I have not launched myself as an artist. This year I started to try to have others look at what I've done and accomplished. And to be frank, I think I've accomplished something.

I want to dedicate this site to Pablo Picasso, not that I love everything he did, in fact I only like a small portion of his work, because Picasso has been nevertheless an inspiration to me which I return to when I get depressed about not selling things, or not having people come to my studio. What Picasso did was not only work hard but also he had the nerve to experiment, to study and imitate others and make something new of it, and never get stuck in his own "style." I believe that this can be fatal to many artists, who find something that "sells" or looks like their stamp. Grant Wood is an example of this (in my opinion of course). He did some incredible portraits, but then I feel he got stuck in making those obsessive landscapes. It is interesting that his last painting is not in that style, as I think he may have been trying to move on, but sadly his life was cut off. Picasso on the other hand went through many periods, but if he were known only for doing those blue figures as his life work, he would be nothing. The same for cubism, though there are masterpieces. I feel that his work has given me a kind of permission to pursue different things. At present I do "realistic" oils, mostly still lifes and animals, then impressionist type oils, then I evolved to doing abstracts and collages, and mosaics over paintings (which allow the painting to show through, sometimes as an icon like image one of which I have added at the top of this blog. I will leave you with that and for today close.

FIRST POST

2009-01-11T13:41:00.000-08:00

This is my first post to my new blog.

I've decided to write about what it's like to be an artist.---- If you are reading this, I have no doubt that you are an artist too in whatever you do.

I have a lot of things to write about as I muse a lot while in my studio, at home, doing other work, thinking about the economy, struggling. Maybe something I say will resonate with you.